Ramblings, v.2

Melinda wanted to see Over the Hedge. I was able to stomach about 20 minutes of it. Lemmie give you the synopsis of what I saw:

The movie opens with a hungry raccoon trying to steal food from a hibernating bear. The bear wakes up, gets pissed, and threatens the raccoon with death if he (the raccoon) doesn’t replenish all the food that was just decimated by a passing semi. Pretty cheery plot for a kids movie, eh? Anywho, the raccoon happens upon a familial group of wilderness animals: a very conservative turtle who happens to be the group leader, a spastic squirrel who is male (but exhibits certain *other* qualities), a group of “up-norte-eh” porcupines (dad, mom, and three small children), a single and very feminist skunk (voiced by Wanda Sykes), and a father-daughter pair of possum (where the dad is very dumb and quick to, well, play possum while the teenage daughter is hip, cool, and generally resents her dad). If you forget the fact that they are all wilderness animals, this could be any network television sitcom. Lovely. I forgot to mention that the raccoon joins this group as the rebel character who is immediately at odds with the turtle. Very soon after the raccoon meets the group, we get the biggest, most blatant piece of art-student-liberal propaganda shoved in our collective face. In short, upper-middle-class suburbia eats to excess, drives gas-guzzling SUVs, and generally isn’t concerned with the environment.

Can’t you just see the writer and give the major points of his life story? Raised by a single mom who got knocked up in her late teens, the mom was a child of the 70s. Peace, love, and DOWN WITH WHITIE. Probably raised in a half-bedroom apartment they could barely afford in the middle of the downtown area of any major city. He grew to resent anyone who could afford nice things (ie. those who went to college and got good jobs because of it), and is now a card-carrying member of at least two treehugger groups. I bet he’s torched an SUV or two in his day. What better way to get your hippy point across than to deliver it in a computer-animated feature film, to be viewed mostly by the children people who live in those exact suburbias around the country?

Yes, those of us in these United States of America who can afford to live in excess do. Why? We know it is our constitution-given right to do so. I believe the exact wording is “life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness”. What better happiness can a human experience than knowing he/she is so well off that they can just throw away food? We can afford large vehicles to carry lots of stuff at one time, to protect us in the case of an accident, and to display our affluence. Why? Because we can.

I hate being preached to. I hate being told I should or shouldn’t do something just because someone else says so, just because it will “make me a better person”. I had a KFC Big Box Meal for dinner tonight. For those not in the know, it’s one leg or thigh (original or crispy), a chicken strip, a small box of popcorn chicken, two sides, a biscuit, and a large soda for only $6.99. It’s a TON of food, and it’s only $6.99. If I hear anybody seriously respond to the existence of the Big Box Meal with the statement, “But there are starving people in Ethiopia! We could ship this food over to them!”, it really burns my balls. Tell you what, go ship that food over there. I ordered this big freakin box of food, and I’m damn sure gonna eat it, I don’t care how many SUVs you torch or trees you have sex with. You know what? If those Ethiopians were meant to have this food, then they’d be standing behind me in line with $6.99 + tax in their bony hands waiting to order. They’re not? I guess they weren’t meant to have this food. Darwin, right? Survival of the fittest. Looking at my stomach, I can see Darwin didn’t necessarily mean physically fit; it was more of a philosophical state of fitness. I born into a family of love and sufficient wealth that I was able to have quality schooling that got me a good job. (Let’s just assume “good” means “steady” and “reasonable paycheck” for now.) I can afford to eat a Big Box Meal pretty much whenever I want. I can also afford to impress a woman enough to somehow make her want to marry me, and the two of us are financially fit enough to own a home. At this point, we’re surviving. Can someone in Ethiopia claim to be as fit as I? It depends. That Ethiopian can probably outrun a charging African lion, whereas I would be kitty food. Survival of the fittest is not only a philosophical statement, it is also situation-dependent.

There. I think I got it all out of my system. Don’t watch Over the Hedge. Puzzle Quest is total videogame crack. Maybe I’ll write about it tomorrow when I’m waiting for the dealer to finish my truck’s oil change. Assuming I don’t have my head buried in Puzzle Quest, that is.

ross rant-o-matic